I really don’t want to treat this like a diary, but right now that is about all I can do as I am tired and although I’ve thought of several things to write about over the last few days, none of them are coming to mind right now.
I am 58 years old and it is beginning to look as though the best years of my life are over. I don’t mean the getting older part, although of course it is a factor. I mean being in the position of having to start my career life over again at my age. It is daunting to say the least. I worry as to what will become of me and my 17-year old son. At times I’ve wanted to just get in my car and drive until I run out of gas and money. Sometimes I’ve thought the world might be better off without me, but I don’t really see suicide as an option. For one, I feel that is not the legacy I want to leave my children or grandchild(ren). It leaves them the message that if things get too bad you can just check out, end it all, poof! You no longer exist. I want my kids to remember that even when things looked hopeless, I kept fighting, I kept trying to make things right to make it all work. Because life is never easy and sometimes it is harder than others. Which is one reason we should treasure the good times because they may not last. But hopefully there will be more good times ahead.
There have been times in my life when things looked pretty bleak and I was very miserable. Who would have known then I would have this wonderful grandson one day that I would adore as if he were my own child? He brings me joy and hopefully there will be more like him in the future to bring joy. In the meantime, I keep on fighting to keep the wolf at bay.
I know a woman who retired at 63, went back to college and earned her masters in psychology. I don’t know if she is practicing or not but that really isn’t the point – she left her job of 30 years and followed her dream. I must admit, when she told me at her retirement party that going back to college was her plan, I wondered why bother at her age. She told me it didn’t matter how old she was, what mattered was what she wanted in life and she wanted her degree.
Our brother always says you are only as old as you feel and I agree with him.