This old heart

This old heart of mine has been through many transitions.  It has been bruised, broken, stepped on, torn and has many scars.  I’ve been through heartache of many kinds.  I dearly love my children and my grandson has a big hold on my heart.  However, I want to speak of my granddaughter.  I don’t know how to describe how much she means to me.  To say I love her seems so trivial.  She and her brother both light up my life, but there is something special about her.  Not that I love her more, that isn’t it, but she is so responsive and loving towards me.  More than her brother has ever been.  She takes my love and gives it back to me and my heart soars.  Her precious little baby face with her beautiful smile warms my heart.  She will run to me holding out her arms for me to pick her up.  She likes to crawl up on my lap and sleep there.  I will pick her up and hug her and she hugs me back as tight as she can and sometimes pats my back with her little hands. 

She will come to me to have me do something for her and although she can’t tell me what she wants, she gets her message across.  We will play and giggle and she will throw herself at me and give me a big hug.  Her little kisses are like little treasures every one.  When she smiles her dimples show and her big blue eyes light up.  I feel the tugs on my heart with each smile.  She loves this old grandma of hers and I feel so fortunate to have her and her brother in my life.  I guess one of the reasons she is so special is because I had two boys even though I desperately wanted to have a girl.  Then I had a grandson and my whole world became brighter, no doubt, but now I have a girl.  Of course, I don’t, but she is my granddaughter and the closest I will ever get to having one.

I am so grateful God sent her to be in my life.

The Interview

Today is Sunday.  The interview Friday went well.  Of course if I’d have known what the questions would be I would have given better answers, but I have enough past experience that I believe my answers were adequate.  I was interviewed by four women.  They were very nice but it was still kind of intimidating.  I tried to keep eye contact with each of them, but it wasn’t possible.    Of course their eyes were on me at all times. 

What the problem was is that I couldn’t find the blazer I intended to wear.  I know it is there somewhere but it was getting late and I had to find another blazer.  So, instead of a brown pinstripe blazer (with brown pants) I wore a brown leather blazer.  Before I left I asked Richard if I looked okay and he told me he didn’t like the outfit.  By this time it was 10:00, I needed to get out the door but I asked him, “What?  The blazer, the pants, what?”  He said he didn’t know he just didn’t like it.  Then mentioned he thought I should wear a dress.  Well I had thought about it, but I thought a suit was more appropriate than just a dress would be and there was no time to change, but it was enough to take my self-confidence down a few notches.  I mean, don’t women wear pant suits to intervies now?  I thought they did.  I just don’t feel I have a dress that looks all that professional.  Oh well.  What’s done is done and I can only hope I did well enough. 

They don’t expect to know if they can fill the position for sure until October 29.  I did ask them if they would let me know if I was still considered a candidate after they were done with their interviews.  They said they would.

I had a sore throat yesterday.  It seems better today which seems a bit odd, but it is, so no complaints.  I was supposed to go to Riverside Casino to hear a band last night, but did not feel up to it.  So I stayed home.   I  hope my friends  were still able to go

I need to go to the store today, so I will have to go out and about. .

Demetri plays soccer on Tuesday nights.  This Tuesday will be the last one so I want to go.  He is in a music class on Saturday mornings but I’ve only gone to that once.  I can only look in a window to see what is going on and it isn’t a big window, just a small door window.  So, I don’t feel very motivated to go.

Nothing else going on . . . .

I have nothing to say . . . .

I get grief about not writing, but I think I should wait until the spirit “moves me.”    I usually prefer to write about something that means something to me instead of just day-to-day stuff.  Now I’ve written  day-to-day stuff, but I reread what I’ve written and it seems so trivial and boring, that I’m not inspired.  But, this is going to be one of those I’m afraid.

My granddaughter is one of the most happy, loving children I’ve ever seen.  She is very affectionate and almost always in a good mood.  She’s a true joy to be around.  My grandson has really blossomed since being in preschool.  It has really been a positive thing for him especially regarding his vocabulary skills.  He’s usually not very affectionate to me (he is to his dad), but yesterday I went to Mercer Park to watch him play soccer and when they pulled up I walked over to their van and I heard Demetri say, “Where’s Nana?”  I answered, “Here I am Demetri!”  He gave me a big grin and got out of the van and hugged me.  It was very sweet.   He is really enthusiastic about playing soccer.  None of those little kids really know what they are doing but they have a good time.

I’m excited about my pending interview, but again I’m afraid to get my hopes up.  They seem to get dashed so often.  I just pray whatever job is meant for me the Lord helps me find it soon, because I need it.

Lexie is waking from her nap so until another time . . . .

I can’t get on to others’ blog sites!

This is frustrating.  I don’t know what to do about it as nothing I do seems to help.  I used to have links to the sites but somehow they went away.  Arrrggghh!

I did find out that I will continue to get unemployment for another 13 weeks.  However, if I haven’t found a job by now what makes me think 13 weeks will help?  Well, maybe it will.  I hope so anyway.  I’ve applied to five jobs this week, last week eight, nothing seems to come my way.  I keep on trying though, that’s all I can do.

I get to see my grandbabies tomorrow.  I haven’t seen them  since last Saturday morning so I’m ready and anxious.  A week is just too long!

I keep dreaming about my ex-husband, Alan.  It is so strange.  In my dreams I’m still in love with him and either he is breaking my heart or I know I love him but just can’t live with him and his ways.  This isn’t just once in awhile, I have dreamt about him several times in the past few weeks.  Strange.

I’m overdue to see a movie and I don’t even know what is playing.  That’s not like me.  I love going to movies, but sometimes I just don’t feel like going alone.  If I want to see something bad enough I will, but I guess I haven’t wanted to see anything that much lately.

Nothing else going on, as usual.  I hope everyone has a good weekend.

What about that 13 week extension?

I got a letter today stating that after this week my unemployment benefits have run out.  What happened to the 13 week extension?  It wasn’t even mentioned in the letter.  I certainly need that if I can get it because I haven’t found a job yet.  It is making me a bit panicky but I need to find out what my options are.  I may have to take something way less than what I want, but I’ll have to see what else is out there besides clerical, and it needs to be something I can do.

One job I thought I had in the bag but now I think it isn’t to be mine it has been so long.  I did, however, have a few misgivings about it.  Not a lot, but a few.

Several university jobs have opened up and I have applied for a lot of them.  I’m even getting less picky about days off and what shift I work.  I hope and pray something is coming my way soon.

Today has been a total washout weather-wise.  It came down all day.   I’m not ready for this cooler weather but I guess what I’m ready for doesn’t matter.

Happy October everyone!

It’s been awhile–again

It is hard to get on the computer when my granddaughter is here.  She pesters me because she wants to be up here too.  She’s napping now.  Yesterday she didn’t nap, so I couldn’t get on.

Christopher has a broken foot.  He tripped over one of the gates we have up to keep Lexie out of either the kitchen or the stairs.  He tripped over the stairs one.  I must say I was ready to break his other foot the way he screamed and cursed.  You’d think he’d been run through with a broadsword!  This was Tuesday, he went to the doctor Wednesday and confirmed it was broken and they gave him a walking boot to wear.  I know  how it hurts, I broke my toe a couple of years ago and every step was very painful, but I didn’t scream when it happened.  Actually I sat on the floor crying and rocking myself back and forth.  Anyhow, Chris has a hairline fracture so I guess they thought the walking boot would suffice.  He went back to work today although he was quite apprehensive about it.  The doctor said he should be on light duty for a few days.

I never heard again from the people at Scattergood.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the job at this point and I got a rejection letter from another place I applied.  It’s getting quite worrisome.

As usual when the kids are here the living room looks like a hurricane went through it.  What a mess!  It is so good to have them here though.  Demetri hugged and kissed me today!  Without being asked!  I was beginning to think he hated me, he’s wanted nothing to do with me for the last few weeks.  One day last week when he was going to the park with his dad I heard him say, “I don’t want Nana to come.”  That really hurt.   I love him so much but I’ve decided to stop begging for hugs and kisses.  Now I just ask him to give me “five.” 

On the other hand. Lexie is very loving and affectionate to me.  I think she’s kind of a grandma’s girl.  Richard said, “Just keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel good.”  I told him, “I don’t mean that I think she likes me better than anybody, I know mom, dad, and brother come first.”  But she does like to be around me and that makes me very happy.

That’s all for now.

Time to Blog Again

Okay, it has been awhile again.  Nothing has really been going on so I haven’t written.  Last Sunday I met two of my sisters and we went shopping for the one to wear to her daughter’s wedding.  We did find something.  I do believe we could have done better, but some dresses she wouldn’t even try on because of their price.  But I think what she did get will do.

I just talked to my brother a couple of  hours ago.  They are settling nicely into the house they’ve rented and enjoying it.  I’m so happy for them.  I hope things are always great for them, they deserve it.

I got called back for a second interview at Scattergood School, but they haven’t offered me the job yet so I’m afraid to get my hopes up.  Even though the interview was very positive I’ve seemed to almost get a job somewhere before to lose out at the last minute, so I don’t want to “assume” anything.  I’m hoping I will know in the next day or so.  I did already ask them for Friday, October 9th off to go to my niece’s wedding in Michigan.  That is a bad time, but hopefully they won’t deny me that IF they offer me the job. 

Richard wants to go to Disney World  March 15th – 19th 2010.  He wants me to go because he is taking the kids and could use the help.  I will go if I can, for sure, although I’d like to go somewhere else as I’ve been there twice, it will be fun to show it to the grandchildren.  If I get the job at Scattergood they will be on Spring break, and I get the days off that school isn’t in session, so that would be nice.  I do so hope I can get the job, even though the pay is pretty crappy.    I think I would be happy there.

Chris finally got a hair cut.  It seems it’s been about six months since his last cut but it probably hasn’t been quite that long.  It looks SO much better.

Until next time . . . . .

Wild Animals as Pets

I saw this on TV the other night.  I think it was “Dateline.”  This man has property in Alaska (about 40 acres I believe) and he calls it “Bear Haven.”  For 20 some years he goes there and spends the summer and has befriended many bears and feeds them regularly.  He walks among them, lies on the grass with them, and treats him like his friends.  Different bear experts came on saying  how unwise this was but he pays no attention.  There was a lot of film footage and the photographer got attacked once and bitten on the leg.  But this man seems to think  the bears are all his friends and he can mingle with them, black bears and grizzlies alike. 

I must say I wouldn’t try this for a million dollars, but I guess different strokes for different folks.  The state of Alaska (conservation board?) found out about him and closed him down.  It is illegal to feed bears in Alaska. 

I must say I feel sorry for those bears in a way.  They are used to going to a human for food and in Alaska  you can feed bears if you are hunting them.  I truly don’t think this man did the bears any favors.  I don’t think he realizes the harm he has done to the bear and human population.  Different scenarios play out in my mind of how this could be quite dangerous for both species.

Next, last night ( I believe) I saw a program on other wild animals as pets.  Cougars, tigers, and bears again.  There were several instances where the humans ended up being lunch.  Although these animals are quite beautiful, they are still wild, even if raised from an infant they revert back to their wild instincts.  I think it is best to leave these animals where they belong–in the wild.

Underdogs

 I seem to always empathesize with and root for the underdog.  I’m not sure why, maybe because I feel I’ve been somewhat of an underdog in my lifetime.  I grew up poor, made some bad choices in my younger years and now here I sit, umemployed and no prospects. 

I saw a program on TV about the 22 pit bulls rescued from Michael Vick’s property when he was arrested.  I cannot believe anyone would do what he allowed to be done to these poor animals.  If he could do that to an animal I don’t believe he would be too far from doing it to a human.  It is heartbreaking because it focused on about five of the pit bulls and showed how they were trying to rehabilitate them.  One dog was a “bait” dog.  The other dogs would practice their fighting skills on him and he was afraid to move.  When he was rescued at first they had to carry him everywhere because he was too afraid to get up and walk.  He was badly scarred and very pathetic.

Another dog had been bred over and over and her teeth had all been extracted so she couldn’t bite any of the males they were trying to mate with her.

One had been so badly abused it tried to attack any human it came into contact with.  Pit bulls look kind of mean anyway so if  you see one wanting to attack they are particularly ferocious looking.  The place that rescued them believes all dogs can be rehabilitated and they proved it in this case.  Oh not completely.  The attacker only bonded with one person and will only tolerate others if this person introduces him to them. 

The scared one is still timid but does get up and  do some socializing.  However, I am horrified by what I saw and of course I am on the side of the animals, the underdogs.

Today I saw the movie “Pride” on TV.  It is based on a true story.  It was a good movie but it again shows the struggle that African-Americans had to go through to attain any kind of equality and the cruelty with which they were treated.  No, there was no KKK or anything, but just to be treated like they were less than human or didn’t deserve fair and equal treatment not only breaks my heart, it makes my blood boil.   Sometimes I’m ashamed to be caucasian.

JMHO

I’m still here

It has been so long since I’ve blogged I forgot my password.  Had to get a new one.  I feel I’ve nothing worthwhile to write about so I haven’t been writing.  That’s all.

My car ended up being covered under warranty on the transmission so it didn’t cost me anything to fix it.  Thank God.

My oldest son has been here since April and when the kids are here we are very cramped.  I know there are a lot of things he doesn’t like.  He’d like me to keep a cleaner house, but I am what I am and it isn’t easy to change.  I try to avoid clutter, but I swear it seeks me out.

Still no job.  My grandchildren are still the light of my life and my granddaughter and I are bonding more and more all the time.  I so adore her.  I can’t believe anyone could be so sweet, but she is. 

When she’s gone a couple of days without seeing me she seems a bit shy, but after she’s used to me again she treats me like I’m part of her everyday life.  She crawls up on my lap, runs to me, cries when I go into another room and just makes me feel so loved.  Unfortunately Demetri being a boy doesn’t have time for much affection, but Lexie likes it.  I got her up this morning and she hugged me so tight and was patting my back.  It was so incredibly wonderful.  I guess you have to be a grandparent to understand what I mean.

I shall go now so I can write on facebook.