Hold On, Friday’s Coming!

It is a cool Thursday morning.  Temps in the 60s, sky is cloudy, no  humidity.  It is quite lovely out.  Wish we could have this year round, but of course that will never be and as long as I live  here I must accept it.  And I will probably always live here.  I love visiting other places but I can’t imagine living anywhere else.  Mostly because of family.

I spent some time with my grandchildren after work yesterday.  It was great.  I wish I could see them every day.  Little Lexie is three weeks old now and is becoming more and more alert.  I talk to  her and she just looks at me intently, no smiles yet, but those will come.  She is up to 9 1/2 pounds now so she’s grown some, but I can’t tell where.  She still has long skinny legs and long skinny arms.  She has big blue eyes and gets prettier all the time.  So  happy she’s joined our family. 

Demetri is ornery as always, but very sweet.  I brought him a balloon and we played with that for awhile.  He was laughing the whole time and I laughed a lot for the sheer joy of being with him and watching him have fun.  When I  told him I had to leave he said, “No, balloon,”  and he handed it to me.  I said, “Okay, I can take the balloon,” and headed for the door.  Of course I got, “No, my balloon!”  He snatched it out of my  hands and put it on the floor.  So funny.  But then he also realized I was leaving so he let me have a hug and a kiss.  My sweet boy.

Today Larry (their grandpa) and Sue (step-grandmother) are supposed to see Lexie for the first time and Demetri for probably the first time in a couple of years.  I do not understand how he (Larry) can be so detached.  These are his grandchildren for crying out loud.  I could no more make them a distant thing in my life than I could have my own children.  They are necessary to me.  Ah well.

Fifty-three years ago today

What?  Me blog twice in one day?  Unheard of!  However, I remembered something.  Fifty-three years ago today my Aunt Kay was killed in a car accident.  She was 15.  I barely remember her, just a couple of instances come to mind, but I do remember that I loved her dearly and she was the first person in my life that I loved who died.  I was too young to understand it.  I was barely six.  I didn’t understand until I remember missing her badly and knowing I couldn’t see her anymore, then I cried.  I hadn’t cried when I got the news.  I didn’t cry when I saw her at the funeral home, but a few weeks later I remember thinking about her and crying my eyes out.  She was a very sweet, lovely young woman and she’d be 68 now if she were still living.  It is sad and the older I get the sadder it makes me.  Not just her.  Others in my life that meant a lot to me that were snatched away way too soon.  Why was I fortunate enough to live this long when so many were not?  I often wonder that.  I know it is in God’s hands, but I wish I knew what makes Him take one person but not another?

I know a woman whose mother died of cancer when she was five.  She doesn’t remember her.  I lost my mother in my early 40s.  I know a man whose mother died when she was about 93 and he was in his early 70s.  Why do some of us have our mothers such a short time and others such a long time?

I think about my grandchildren and wonder if they will be old enough to remember me once I’m gone.  I look at my 18-year old and wonder if I’ll live to see him be a parent.  I certainly hope so, but there are no guarantees.

However, it is still the saddest when a young person is taken suddenly.  Like Kay, Jerry, Sandy, to mention a few.

My mother’s siblings are all gone now except one, and his health is not the best.  Once he is gone I will be part of the older generation in the family.  That is a sobering thought.

But, 53 years ago today a lovely young woman was snatched from life because of an ill-fated car ride.  Jerry left a pregnant wife and their son is in his 30s now. Sandy left four girls that are now lovely young women with children of their own.  Kay left no one but her mother, siblings,  nieces and nephews.   She never got to know the joy of being a mother or grandmother.  There are so few of us left to even rember her.  I remember, I think it is a shame to forget the ones like her, so I remember and I think what might have been for her–I hope heaven is as wonderful as she believed it would be.

More Dreams

     “Spare a little candle
      Save some light for me
      figures up ahead
      Moving in the trees
      White skin in linen
      Perfume on my wrist
      And the full moon that hangs over
      these dreams in the mist
      Darkness on the edge
      Shadows where I stand
      I search for the time
      On a watch with no hands
      I want to see you clearly
      Come closer than this
      But all I remember
      Are the dreams in the mist       

       These dreams go on when I close my eyes
      Every second of the night I live another life
      These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
      Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away

      Is it cloak ‘n dagger
      Could it be spring or fall
      I walk without a cut
      Through a stained glass wall
      Weaker in my eyesight
      The candle in my grip
      And words that have no form
      Are falling from my lips

      These dreams go on when I close my eyes
      Every second of the night I live another life
      These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
      Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away

      There’s something out there
      I can’t resist
      I need to hide away from the pain
      There’s something out there
      I can’t resist
      The sweetest song is silence
      That I’ve ever heard
      Funny how your feet
      In dreams never touch the earth
      In a wood full of princes
      Freedom is a kiss
      But the prince hides his face
      From dreams in the mist

      These dreams go on when I close my eyes
      Every second of the night I live another life
      These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
      Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away

      These dreams go on when I close my eyes
      Every second of the night I live another life
      These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
      Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away”

                        –”These Dreams” by Heart

The chorus of this song plays over and over in my mind as, like I said in my last post, I live another life when I’m asleep.  Last night I know I was in one of my other “lives” but I can’t remember which one.  This happens often too.  I won’t remember what I’ve dreamt, but I might revisit it in another dream at a later time.  Like I said, sometimes it is a continuation of the last one.  Sometimes the last one is just in the past and not necessarily the immediate past.

Sometimes I’m younger and look like I did then (which isn’t too bad in reflection).  Sometimes I’m the age I am now.  It can be quite an experience.

Now, let us move to the bad dreams.  The ones you have and hope never to repeat.  The ones where you wake up in the middle of the night and you are so afraid  you even don’t want to go back to sleep for fear  you’ll continue that horrible dream.  Thankfully, I don’t have that kind often.  Sometimes they seem to be symbolic of something going on in my life, sometimes they make no sense (like when there are monsters).  As a child, I would sometimes dream that I was being chased by lions or tigers that wanted to devour me.   Sometimes I was able to jump to the ceiling and hang on to the wall so the ferocious beast couldn’t reach me.  More recently I dream that I have a pet bear.  In my dream this bear thinks he is like my child, but since it has become full grown, is too unruly and I cannot handle him properly.  Therefore, I am always trying to get a zoo or someplace like that to take him because he is just too rough for me and I’ve become very frightened of him.  In most of these dreams he somehow gets out of the cage I’ve been keeping him in (for my own safety) and he’s after me.  Maybe not to kill me, but for sure to vent anger.  Weird, huh?

Then in some dreams, even today, I get to fly.  Now I’ve talked to people who have flying dreams and they “swim” through the air.  I’m much more sophisticated than that, having grown up in the 50’s and watching “Superman” I fly as he does, arms straight out in front of me.  I always love my flying dreams.  If I could have one superpower and one only I would pick flying in the air under my own power.  I wouldn’t have to go high into the atmosphere either.  As long as I could clear the treetops, I would be content.

Ah, if only we could (at least occasionally) visit our dream worlds.  Life would be so much more interesting.

Dreams

I live another life when I sleep.  I do different work (usually) sometimes my 34-year old son is a toddler again, usually my 18-year old is a toddler again but one or the other or both of them are usually in my dreams.  My dream life is usually happier than my “real” life.  Sometimes I don’t want to wake up and I resist waking up to the alarm as long as I can.  Even then, many times I will push the snooze button to be back in that dream world for just a few more minutes even.  In my dream world I am wealthier, healthier, usually have a great love life and live in a great house and drive a great car.  Who wouldn’t want that to be their real life?

Sometimes my dreams are continuations.  Even to where I will dream something and a few days, weeks, etc., later I will go to sleep and that dream will continue.  Once in awhile it is one of the bad dreams that do that but it is usually the good ones.  It is like in the new dream I am remembering the last dream as if it were part of my life rather than part of another dream.  It is kind of cool at times.  It is like there are different “scenarios” and I live my life in a few that continue on as I continue on.  When I was young I used to (except for a couple of horror or flying dreams) dream something once and it never came up again.  Now, I live three or four different lives in my dreams and I never know when I close my eyes to which one I will be taken.  I do not get to control it.

In many of my dreams my mother is still alive.  I’m sorry to say in the dreams we are often arguing about something.  Not always, but a substantial amount.  I don’t know why that is.  Sure, we had our arguments in life, but no more than any mother and daughter do.  I did and still do love my mother dearly and miss her beyond words.

And oh, the men I’ve been with in my dreams!  Of course that is the only place I could ever be with them, in my dreams.     Harrison Ford, Kelsey Grammer, Patrick Stewart, Robert Redford, Brad Pitt (and I don’t really even particularly care for him), and others that don’t come to mind right now.

Is it any wonder that sleeping is one of my favorite things to do?  My dream world is mostly a sweet one and I rarely have to face the harsh realities of life, the burden of poor health, or the never ending bills, demands on my time, or any of the struggles life brings.

Two songs about dreams come to mind, “I’m Only Sleeping” by the Beatles and “These Dreams” by Heart.  Especially the latter.

Wishing you all happy dreams.

Monday at the Fair

Since I work for Johnson County and we have a booth at the Johnson County Fair, they ask for volunteers to work the booth for two  hour shifts and you get a free polo shirt with the county logo on it.  I did my stint this morning from 10:00 - noon.  It was kind of fun.  Different.  It was early enough in the day that it hadn’t gotten too hot yet.  We  had a plinko game and mostly  kids played it.  That was kind of fun.  It was something different to do while still getting paid anyway.

I had both of my grandbabies for a couple of hours yesterday.  What a treat.  Although with the new one I don’t have as much one on one time with Demetri.  I want to spend time with both of them.   It isn’t easy when she thinks she has to be held all the time.  She’s an angel when she’s being held.  Otherwise, she’s not a  happy camper.  If she falls asleep and I put her down within ten to fifteen minutes she is awake and crying.  So that leaves little time for Demetri.

It rained through the night which makes it especially humid today.  But it is July and we have to expect this for July and August.  I just never stray too far from air conditioning.  I used  to be a beach bunny, but those days are long over.  I don’t care to be in the hot sun.

Still another Friday

Friday is my favorite day of the week, after 4:30 PM that is.  I know I have two whole days before I have to go back to work.  I know that Saturday morning is mine to do with what I will.  I sleep late, don’t get dressed until even later, and sometimes take a nap even though I’ve slept late.  I don’t know why but I seem to need  this anymore.  If I have something going on that prevents me from doing this I am just tired all weekend.  This is a lot of  the reason my housework doesn’t get done like it should, but I don’t want  to talk about my shortcomings, even though there is plenty I could talk about.  I do look forward to going home tonight and  flopping on the couch and luxuriating in the fact that I can be a bum for awhile.

I feel guilty but not guilty enough to stop doing it.  It makes me think of what my mom used to say to me when she felt I wasn’t doing my share of chores around home.  she told me I was “as worthless as tits on a boar.”  Now it sounds kind of funny but it was really very hurtful.  I know she didn’t really mean that, but it still stays with me and at times I believe she was right. 

I don’t have a lot of redeeming qualities, except my honesty.  I believe a person should stand by their word and admit when they are wrong.  I try to live that every day.  I’ve tried  to raise my children to be honest and my oldest is very honest–to a fault even.  My  youngest likes to tell me the story he thinks I want to hear.  Not an out and out lie, but stretching the boundaries of the truth somewhat.  I  guess I might have one or two other redeeming qualities, but I don’t want to brag on myself anymore than I want to tear myself down. 

But, for what it’s worth, I can say I’ve blogged today I guess it is better than not blogging at all.

It looks like rain and I know the weather man said it was a possibility today and all weekend, so guess I should prepare myself.

Understanding the Frustration of Others

I just checked all the family blogs (the ones I know) and no one, not even Marge has blogged today.  She says she gets frustrated when she checks blogs over and over and no one has written.  Now I understand.  I have to go see my doctor  today so will leave in about 40 minutes.  That doesn’t leave much time for anything else.  I have a whole lot of filing to do for Environmental Services but don’t want to have to start and then walk away.  I will plan to do that tomorrow.

I actually ate Chinese for lunch today.  I was running an errand for my supervisor at Hy Vee and they were giving out samples of their Sesame Chicken.  It was good so I got the meal, meat, fried rice, crab meat rangoon and a fortune cookie.  I couldn’t eat it all, really generous portions.  However, it isn’t setting so well with me, or is it sitting so well?  Anyhow, my stomach has bothered me ever since eating it.  Drat.

I got to see my grandchildren last night–what a treat.  My oldest was helping my sister move some stuff I was giving her and his wife brought the kids over.  My little Lexie has grown already, although she is still long and skinny.  Beautiful though, of course.  Demetri was asleep and stayed asleep until about a half hour before they left.  Then he was busy playing with the new toys I’d bought him.  But at least I got to see him and get a kiss and a hug.  I also got to hold Lexie for quite a long while and I fed her.  Changed her diaper too, but that part wasn’t a treat.  Ah well, take the bad with the good.

Marge’s son is getting married two weeks from Saturday, and I’m still not sure what I’ll wear.  Oh, I have plenty, but still haven’t gotten one  thing I ordered that I thought I might wear.  Got something else I dearly love, except the shirt is too long.  I like long, but this is halfway down my thigh and I don’t think it should be quite that long.  On some styles it looks good, but I think this would look better about three inches shorter.  Considering the fabric, etc., I wouldn’t try to hem it myself, I’d want someone professional to do it.  I know that doesn’t cost a lot, it is just getting it together and getting it done.  But since I might not even wear that . . . .

Family, etc.

Well, I got here to work this morning and found somewhere between home and here I had gotten a stain on my white top.  So irritating.  However, I have this stuff at work called “Tech” and it really does do wonders on most stains.  The beauty of it too is you don’t have to wash the garment right after using it.  It dries invisibly and you can’t tell there was ever a stain or fluid on your clothes.  The downside is I dribbled it all down the front of my shirt therefore making it look like a major accident as opposed to a tiny little stain.  But it is drying beautifully and I have no complaints–just something to write about.

I haven’t seen my grandchildren since last Thursday.  That is almost a whole week!  Ugh!  I was going to stop by on my way home from work tonight but I guess today my sister will pick up the stuff I have for her after I get off work, so I need to go straight home.  I can’t stand it.  Missing my grandchildren that is.  I MUST be able to see them after work tomorrow or I will be this crazed, deprived granny running around madly trying to fnd my grandkids.  Or just a very sad human being indeed.

Who knew having grandchildren would be so special?  I always knew I would love my grandchildren but compared to my own children they would still be way down the line.  Not so.  It is like my offspring expanded to two more.  I love those kids.

Well, another “perk” of getting old.  I have arthritic hands and just picking up my glass of water is making my hand hurt.  I hate, hate, hate it, but what is one to do?  Make the best of it is all I can try to do.  I won’t grow younger so I’m trying to grow old as gracefully as I can.  Now to some that means not doing anything to fight it.  To me it means to try to look the best I can for my age, although I could improve a lot on my eating and exercise habits.

This morning on the Channel 9 news I heard that in Iowa City there would be help for flood victims who have had difficulty  getting their prescribed medicines at the Salvation Army today.  The semi just pulled in.  Now I don’t know if it is full of drugs or not but I’m assuming so since it looks like it is refrigerated.  I hope many can take advantage of this offer.  I’m not a flood victim, but I know the difficulty of getting needed medication when you have no money or insurance.  Sometimes you just have to do without.  This is a brutal fact of life.  Been there, done that.  Thank God for the time being, at least, I have a job with some benefits.

There is much to-do about a safe haven baby left at St. Luke’s Hospital in Cedar Rapids.  I hope the anonymity of the mother is preserved through all this media.  If she is found out others may decide it is easier to “get rid” of their babies.  I think this is a wonderful solution and I applaud the young mother for having the courage to do  what she must feel is best for her baby.  I know it couldn’t be an easy choice.

Let the week begin

Today is Monday and I didn’t get to see my grandchildren all weekend.  I miss them and hope to stop by after work in the next day or so.  I feel like I am missing out on so much when I don’t see them.  Especially  now with Lexie being a newborn.  She’s growing and changing daily and I don’t want to miss any more than I have to.

I bought a used sectional over the weekend.  Used, yes, but very nice I think.  I really like it.  I need to make some major adjustments in my apartment though.  Living room and kitchen especially.  I am going to Wal-Mart after work tonight and will buy some plastic bins to put some things in for storage.  I also need to clean off the entertainment center because I told my sister she could have it.  I should look for another computer desk.  The one I have is kind of tacky, but one thing at a time. 

Richard suggested a cool way to rearrange my living room, but it will take moving everything but the TV.  So it may not get done for awhile, we’ll see.  The people who lived in the apartment when I viewed it had a sectional in it and it was arranged the way Richard suggested, so I know it looks good and would work well, it’s just the doing it.  That involves moving my china cabinet and everything in it, my bookcase (and all the books in it) and my computer desk and computer, etc.  Don’t know if I have the energy to do all that.

I am checking out some jobs that are advertised.  I have no guarantees here, and can’t just be out without a job if/when this one ends.  I would like to stay here, but maybe I will be unable to, so need to plan for what might be down the road.

It’s Friday

I’m told I don’t write in this like I should, but mostly what I write isn’t very interesting anyway and if I wrote every day it would be even more boring. 

I watched my grandchildren last night.  I’ve already emailed  this to a couple of people, but my granddaughter likes to be  held and cried whenever I tried to put her down.  So I just held her and cuddled her and took in her sweet baby smell.  At one point I was holding her and my grandson crawled up beside me and had both his arms wrapped around my one arm, one of his legs over mine and he was leaning  his head against me.  I looked at each of them in turn so precious and wonderful and thought to myself, “It just doesn’t get any better than this.”  And it doesn’t.  Who would think two such tiny people could bring such great joy into my life?     I feel like God has really blessed me with these two.  They are as important to me as my own two children.  There’s no separation, they are all very loved by me.  Again, I am so grateful. 

I feel for those who have lost an only child and will never have grandchildren  to love.  It is one of life’s greatest joys.  I would suggest to some people like that to try and find a way to get involved with young ones.  It can be so rewarding.

Well, enough of this gushy grandma stuff.  I guess I’ve had a lot of hard times and heartache in my life so I do so appreciate having these little ones to love.  Also I know Demetri loves me and hopefully Lexie will too.

Happy Friday!